For the last several years now, I have had this very strong urge to lean more heavily into my feminine nature. This desire is definitely linked to things that have been happening in my personal life, but my personal life and my professional life are so closely woven together, that this desire has been seeking attention in both spheres.
It started with my second pregnancy. Unbeknownst to Cole and I, this would be the second of now four, pregnancy losses. After losing our first pregnancy, everything changed. I started to really consider my own healing in a much deeper way. I knew that I needed softer spaces in my life where I could tend to my soul in a way I had never needed to before. There was a call towards a deeper connection with my feminine self.
In a conversation with a friend of mine, I was talking through my concerns about the physical nature of my work on the farm, and trying to figure out where my boundaries were with being pregnant. Something that has always been difficult for me has been knowing when to quit, when to stop working, when to take a break. I will just keep going until the wheels fall off. But I knew I couldn't afford to do that now.
Since losing that second pregnancy, and going on to lose two more, the call into the feminine has been so intense and so necessary. And I feel like I am just now starting to hear its messages more clearly.
Obviously, I am a woman. But I am a woman that has heavily relied on my masculine energy to 'do' life. At some early point, I think in my high school years, I realized that the equation of Input = Output was a very reliable way to go about things. This way of doing life helped me win, accomplish, overcome, push through, get back on my feet, and basically accelerate forward along a linear path towards success. I was a factory of masculine energy always pointed towards the next desired outcome, the next goal.
Yes, my feminine side has been there creating the ideas, the visions that got broken down into the goals, the dreams that ended up being manifested into reality. But it has mostly been the outward facing masculine element that has come in to save the day, get the job done, and produce, produce, produce.
After every loss I have experienced, I have called on that masculine ability to scrape me off the floor, stand me upright, lace up my boots, and shove me out of the door back into the world, back into my work. I am eternally grateful for my ability to do this, as life has its demands that must be met. But. . . there has been a big price to pay for it.
It has come at the cost of my giving out energy that I didn't have to give in the midst of deep grief. My losses have changed me in a way that I can no longer operate within the simple equation of Input = Output. I have had to begin coming up with a new formula: A way of doing and being that feels more supportive of my inner journey, my continued healing, my deep desire to become a mother, and everything that is necessary to accomplish that.
Luckily, I don't need to reinvent the wheel and there is a wealth of knowledge out there on matters of living more in alignment with our feminine natures. So, I'm not here to impart some original wisdom. No, I am here just to simply offer pieces of my story, of my process, in the hopes that it may resonate with you and that you can see me more clearly.
I'm still working on my new equation, often feeling like Russel Crow in A Beautiful Mind. Am I a genius or am I a paranoid schizophrenic?!! Time will tell I suppose! But I think the numbers are looking good.
I'm leaning into Trust; trusting that there is a different way of doing my life that doesn't involve a daily Herculean effort.
I am leaning into Body; making a practice of asking my body what it needs and delivering.
I am leaning into Rest; getting better at knowing when to call it day, take a nap, or just do nothing.
I am leaning into Quality vs. quantity: being a better steward of where and with whom I spend my time.
I am leaning into my Self-Care: as if my life depended on it, because it does.
This new balance is requiring me to align my work in a way that supports adopting a more feminine approach. I'm still teasing out details, but I know that every container of my work, whether it be one-on-one client work, my virtual groups, or my retreats, will all be informed by this new shift and in fact already are!
I hope this resonates with some of you and inspires you to consider the way you balance your masculine and feminine energies. We all have the power to begin again, to make changes, and to give ourselves grace in the process.